Unchosen Pickles: Horman’s Authentic New York Deli Pickle — Posted to Heeb Magazine on 08/23/10

To some Philly denizens, a New York visit means Broadway shows and MoMA but to this connoisseur of sour it means pickles.  When I heard that Horman’s, a new authentic pickle maker, had started a line of pickles for retail, I had no choice but to grab a jar and give them a try.

Despite the natural salt bloat, my excitement quickly deflated after I bit into the first pickle, a standard kosher dill.

The crunch? Pretty good. Solid enough that it doesn’t fall apart in your mouth, yielding enough that it doesn’t hurt your gums to chew on it.

The taste? The let down. Instead of the mouth-numbing tang of a righteous brine pickle I met the bummer of a vinegar pickle.

If you are unsure of the difference, brine pickles take a lot more time and have a whole lot of lactic acid bacteria giving them the kicking sour bite you want. Vinegar pickles, on the other hand, are easier and cheaper to produce but are much more mild, a little sweeter and less flavorful.

Now as far as vinegar pickles are concerned, these are not bad. While their kosher dills are lacking in flavor, their several specialty pickles, like spicy and mustard, definitely boost the flavor profile.

Look, if you are looking for the real, New York shit, Horman’s “Authentic New York Deli Pickle” is just not going to deliver. If you are looking for a substitute on your sandwich for Vlasic, these are definitely where it’s at.  In other words, I give Horman’s a solid ‘Meh.’

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Test Your Jew IQ — Posted to Heeb Magazine on 08/11/10

Impress your friends with your Jewish erudition with Heeb’s series of “Pick Six” games. Know the lyrics to If I Were a Rich Man? Can you distinguish between actual Yiddish words and plain mumbo-jumbo? Heard of any Israeli cities besides Jerusalem and Tel-Aviv? If you’re not feeling nauseous by now, then this is probably the game for you!

Play the game.

Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer Care About Things to Get a Man, It Doesn’t Work — Posted to Heeb Magazine on 08/10/10

In a not so subtle bit of anti-intermarriage propaganda, Broad City proves that Jewish girls should not trust in gentile boys.

Adolf Hitler Is Up for Adoption — Posted to Heeb Magazine on 08/09/10

A New Jersey court ruled Thursday that Heath and Deborah Campbell will not regain custody of their children, Adolf Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, according to the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Adolf and JoyceLynn are of course named after Adolf Hitler and the Aryan Nation, respectively, while Honszlynn is named after SS leader Heinrich Himmler. Oh, did I mention Heath and Deborah Campbell of Hunterdon County are illiterate?

Many people have assumed the children were taken away from their parents because of their unfortunate names. That, however, is not the case. No, Heath and Deborah Campbell are allegedly abusive, neglectful and, as you can see from Honszlynn, horribly illiterate.  According to court records, the two are also both physically and psychologically disabled.

One of the main pieces of evidence used to prove the Campbell’s are not fit to parent was a horribly misspelled letter Deborah Campbell wrote and gave to a neighbor. “Im afread [sic] that he might hurt my children if they are keeped [sic, again] in his care,” Deborah Campbell wrote. “He teaches my son how to kill someone at the age of 3.”

The worst part about it is that they won’t be able to find out about half the funny shit people are writing about them.

Hispanic Batman is Disgusting, Racist, Anal-Obsessed and Terrific — Posted to Heeb Magazine on 08/04/10

Royal Flush Magazine’s Hispanic Batman: The Collected Archives Vol. 1 features 10 adventures of the Latin dynamic duo ridding South Central Gotham of crime. The two fools fluctuate throughout the comics in weight and tooth size, respectively, brawl with the villainous likes of Hispanic Joker, Senor Que? and Dick Cheney. Erik Rodriguez and Josh Bernstein draw the different adventures in separate styles, some are more polished, like Y Tu Mama Tambien, while others offer a grittier, bile-rising vision, one must only look to Hispanic Robin’s protuberant nipples in Playboy Ha-fter Dark.

Outside of Hispanic Batman images so gross and pimple-covered can only be seen in old copies of Mad.

Besides the expected gluttony of Hispanic jokes (“Batman isn’t a white man at all—he’s a fucking beaner!”), Hispanic Batman also offers some yucks at Asians in Grande Trouble in Little China, in which (spoiler alert) Hispanic Robin blinds Henchmen Yao Ming with a piece of dental floss.

There are more corn-holin’ jokes in these comics than Stuff Tushies Hate would ever attempt. (Rodriguez and Bernstein are especially infatuated with the concept of Hispanic Batman plugging Hispanic Robin’s Batcave.)Luckily for the Rodriguez and Bernstein their brand of racism and homophobia is so over the top and gratuitous that it renders it inoffensive and enabling of a solid pantleg piss, mang.

Chosen Books: The Thieves of Manhattan — Posted to Heeb Magazine on 07/20/10

In The Thieves of Manhattan, Adam Langer expresses the duality of New York City.  He shows us a New York full of failed artists and the ultra-affluent as well as a New York full of con men and intrigue.

Thieves follows timid, small-time writer/barista Ian Minot as he tries to join the upper echelon of the literary world. But, when his hot girlfriend dumps him, Minot teams up with a shady figure named Jed Roth. Minot leaves his simple world of failure and enters a world of double-crosses, gun-battles, hideouts and kidnappings, all for the pursuit of the literary dream.

Basically the whiny bitch of a protagonist slowly grows a pair.

But since Langer is a writer writing about writers writing, he quickly takes the literary (meta-literary?) angle too seriously. Langer, also the author of Crossing California, fills the pages with superfluous and odd references. Some of them work, like referring to traveling cross-country as “kerouacking” or to thick plastic frames as “franzens.” Others, to put it mildly, make no fucking sense, like referring to dollars as “daisies” because in The Great Gatsby Jay Gatsby says that Daisy Buchanan’s voice is “full of money,” or calling a dress a “golightly” because in Breakfast at Tiffany’s Holly Golightly likes wearing cocktail dresses. What? How is that obvious?

These gratuitous references don’t ruin the story; they really seem to just be a way for Langer to prove to his parents that his English degree was helpful after all.

Glenn Beck: “Jesus Would Have Come Back from the Dead and Make the Jews Pay For What They Did” — Posted to Heeb Magazine on 07/19/10

Last week, our fave crazy takes on liberation theology on Tuesday’s show. According to Glenn, Jesus would not have liked this theology because he was not a victim and would have totally pounced on the Jews. . .or something.